My Pregnancy with Wade Davis

I knew that I would eventually get around to writing about my pregnancy experience; I just didn't realize it would be two weeks before my due date. I think that speaks a lot to pregnancy itself - you either don't have the time or don't have the energy. Today, I have both (PRAISE) and there is no time like the present, especially with this sweet boy expected to make his appearance any time now!

The beginning seems like the best place to start, and the beginning for us is actually before Wade was even conceived. Anyone who knows me well knows that being a mom has been a dream of mine my entire life. Sure, I thought about my wedding day and thought about the kind of careers I would have, but being a mom is something that I had literally dreamed about since I was old enough to hold baby dolls. Somewhere along the way though, I convinced myself that being a mom might not be in the cards for me. I didn't know if I would ever be healthy enough. I have struggled with my weight my whole life and had read so many statistics about women who were overweight struggling to get pregnant. I didn't know if Al and I would ever be stable enough or ready enough because our culture has influenced the concept of childbearing so much that you can't help but feel like you'll never be enough. So I put the idea in my head that getting pregnant would be an obstacle for us in marriage. It would be something we'd have to really work hard to achieve and even then, it might not be in the cards for us. These were all lies straight from the enemy, and I fell straight into that trap.

Of course when you get married, the first question people start asking after your honeymoon is when the babies are coming. It was no different in our case, except for the fact that we had been together for going on seven years by the time we got married. So everyone assumed babies were visible on the horizon. To that question, we always answered with a simple response, "We want whatever God has for us." I think we had good intentions when saying that and we really wanted to mean it, but those are heavy words my friends! Whatever God has for us? What if God's plan included 10 children? What if His plan meant no children? What if His plan wasn't our plan? Whatever He has for us was a bold declaration, and I don't think our hearts had quite caught up to our mouths in those early months of marriage. It wasn't until we sat down and had a real conversation about the future of our family that those words started to carry their weight.

At the end of September/beginning of October 2018, we began really talking about kids. Al and I had lots of heart-to-hearts about our desires, our fears, our expectations, etc. We both wanted to be parents, but those same lies kept creeping back into our heads every time we pictured our future. We finally had to look at each other and decide that we would truly put this in God's hands and be bold in our faith because God's plans are much better than our own. We decided around that time that we would be truthful in our response to the question of babies and be ready for whatever God had for us.

Now, it wouldn't be fair to leave you thinking that I walked away from that final conversation letting go of all control because, let's face it, I'm as human as they come. Even in declaring my faithfulness to God's plan, I was still thinking in the back of my head that it would probably take many, many months to get pregnant because I was *fill in the blank of all the negative thoughts about myself* and we really weren't ready to have a baby just yet. But you know... God knows all that and His plan will line up with mine (can anyone relate to being that much of a control freak?.... 🙈)

Around 2-3 weeks after this decision to be all in, while still thinking it would take months to get pregnant, we conceived our baby. I think I knew in my heart without really knowing that something felt different in me. This was on October 20th. I didn't tell Al that I felt different because I was still thinking in my head that there was no way on God's green earth that I would get pregnant not even a month after we had that conversation. So we continued on with our normal lives for the next two weeks.

Last picture together before I was pregnant!

I was notified by my handy app that I was late on November 3rd. Even when I got that notification, I still wasn't convinced and told myself that I would not take a test until I was a week late because I was certain that I could not be pregnant so fast. I did tell Al I was late, but he felt the same way and said that if I hadn't started by the next Saturday that I should take a test. Wellll, here comes Control Freak Morgan again... I woke up around 5am on Tuesday, November 6th and could not go back to sleep. I somehow talked myself into taking a test because "It was definitely going to be negative." So I got up and took a test. I walked away from it and started putting away dishes and doing some general tidying until the few minutes were up and I walked back in the bathroom. When I looked down at the counter and saw that the test said pregnant, my mouth hit the floor... and then the rest of my body followed suit. I was in so much shock that I sat on the floor of my closet for a good 30 minutes trying to process.

No one really prepares you for everything you will feel when you get a positive pregnancy test. I didn't know whether to feel happy or scared or what. And it was 5 in the morning, so I sure couldn't wake my husband up and discuss because he is not a morning person. I walked into our guest bedroom and made of video of my initial thoughts once I was able get off the floor. I'm so glad I did that because I look back at it now and laugh at the genuine look of terror on my face. I stayed home from work that day and got everything together to tell Al, and when I told him, he had the same look of shock and terror. Clearly we were not prepared for what God actually had for us.

When I found out, I was only 4 weeks pregnant. We couldn't get in to see the doctor until I was 8 weeks pregnant, so those first few weeks were very surreal. I took another test that week, and I could see that they both clearly said pregnant, but those lies that had convinced me I wouldn't be able to get pregnant turned into lies that I wouldn't be able to have a healthy pregnancy. For four weeks, which eventually turned into eight weeks, I would not allow myself to get excited about being pregnant. I knew all about all the scary things that can happen in early pregnancy and refused to let my heart get attached to a baby that I didn't know if I would be able to carry healthily. Looking back now, it makes me so sad to know that I let the devil steal my joy in those early weeks. I let him plant seeds of doubt that my baby would be okay. I let him tell me that, because we weren't ready for a baby, I couldn't be excited about it. Every bit of joy I should've been having about this gift from God, I let the enemy replace it with fear and that is truly my biggest regret.

After we hit the 12 week mark, I noticed a small change in my feelings. I started to actually dream about what our future would look like and who our baby was going to be. While I was still crippled with fear that something was going to go wrong, I allowed myself to dream a little. I stayed that way for several more weeks until we found out that we were having a boy. Once this little human had a name, it was like God took the chains of fear that were binding my heart and broke them right off and since that day, I haven't looked back. My heart has grown a million sizes in love and I couldn't imagine feeling any differently. I wrote a post on Facebook a while back about my thoughts on having a boy, so I won't share those again, but I do have to say that now I can't fathom what our life would be like if we were having a girl. God has given us exactly what we need.

I have been documenting milestones in my notes app along the way, and I love looking back and seeing when major things were happening with him. I started feeling flutters around week 16, and then I felt his very first kicks on Super Bowl Sunday (he's a football fan already). A few days later, Al felt him kick for the first time and it was one of my very favorite moments ever. I started noticing his hiccups around week 29, and they are the cutest thing. He still gets them pretty frequently, and I won't be surprised if they continue once he's here. The best milestone was when he started to follow Al's voice around week 34. If Al is talking to him or has his hand on my belly, Wade automatically knows and responds. He is going to adore his daddy, and I can't wait to see them together. This whole experience has made Al and I so much closer, and that's exactly how I know I married the right person. He has been my everything while I've been pregnant, and I will never be able to repay him for all the food he has gone to get me or all the baths he has ran for me or for every single night that he comes in and makes sure all my pillows are placed exactly right. He is a good man and a good husband, and  he is going to be the best daddy ever.

My pregnancy story with Wade is truly just my testimony of how good God is. I have had what many of the people in my life have deemed as the "perfect pregnancy" ....no real morning sickness, hardly any weight gain, amazing skin and hair, no true aversions, no swelling, no scary pregnancy issues, etc. The only issue I really had my entire pregnancy was tiredness, but thankfully people don't judge pregnant women for sleeping all the time. Growing a baby is hard work! Even now as we're facing a possible c-section because our sweet boy is breech, I have clearly seen the Lord working on my heart. He has seen me through this every step of the way, and I know it's because this was His plan. Every piece of it has been a part of the puzzle that He is designing, and I am honored that He has chosen us to be the parents of this perfect child of His. He has been so good and so faithful to us, even when we've been fearful and uncertain. Wade isn't going to be a part of this world because of anything we had planned. He is truly a masterpiece of his Creator, and we are so excited to see what God has in store for his life. I am thankful that God chose to give me an easy first pregnancy. While everything might not be going as planned right now, it's just a testament to the idea that life always comes full circle. We didn't plan for a baby in this timing, yet God knew we were ready. We didn't plan to have anything other than a natural birth, but if that's what happens then God knew what was best. After this whole experience, how could I not trust in His plans? He is so good.

I have loved every single second of being pregnant and wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I know a lot of moms at almost 38 weeks are like "Get this baby out of me, I am so done!" but I truly don't feel that way. I am still not quite ready to share my sweet boy with the world. There is something so special about it just being him and me. No one knows him like I do, and while he obviously won't remember it, no one has ever been so close to my heart like he is. In a few weeks, he is going to come out here and I'm going to have to share him with all these people who love him and are so excited to meet him, and I know when those moments come I will be excited too. But for now, I don't want to rush or wish away any of the time of him just being mine. I am soaking in every last kick and turn and hiccup before he makes his debut because I know time is fleeting. I have never loved someone more, and I am so thankful God made me his mama.

If you have made it to the end of this post, kudos to you. I know it was long, but I have been pregnant for like a trillion years and I had a lot to say. If you didn't gather anything else about my pregnancy, I hope you have seen the goodness of God. I am still in awe when I think about what He has done in my life over the last nine months, and I am so excited to see what He has in store for my family's future with our sweet son. Wade is already so loved by his mama and daddy, but I know the love God has for him is exponentially more, and my only goal in parenting is to point him back to his Father.

Stayed tuned in a few weeks for my birth story that God is still writing. We are eager to see what God has planned for us in that moment and know that it is better than anything we can imagine! Thanks for reading!

Xoxo,
Morgan

True Life: I'm a Wanderer

I am currently living in the state that I call, "No longer a senior, not yet a graduate." My time at UNCW was extended a little bit due to my ever-changing minors and indecisiveness. I completed my last three classes over this summer session, and now I am done with my undergrad and waiting for December 9th to roll around so I can walk across the stage and feel like a graduate. This stage of life is very strange simply because I have one foot still in the school realm and the other foot eager to run towards post-grad life. That eagerness comes with a side of hesitancy though because I don't have a clue what post-grad life looks like for me career-wise. I have deemed myself a wanderer, because I spend the majority of my time walking in whatever direction seems appealing at the moment. I am one of those college graduates who spent four years earning a degree that I have zero idea about how I'm going to use it. When you've been told all your life that you can do anything and everything you set your mind to, dreams of anything and everything constantly fill my head. Every dream I have seems obtainable, and I want to do it all. But that's the problem with being human - we can only do so much.

Sometimes I think I have "epiphanies" and am certain of what my career path will be. However, more times than not, I feel so lost in a sea of uncertainty that my head is barely above the water. One of my favorite sayings has always been "Not all who wander are lost." Lately, I don't know how much I believe that statement because I am wandering, and I am lost. So many people prepared me for life after high school. I knew what to expect with college and classes and friendships, and even in knowing what was going to happen, I still struggled. No one prepares you for life after college when you didn't major in a specific field. No one prepares you for life after college when your dreams sound stupid and probably won't live up to the expectations that everyone has for your life. No one prepares you for the sea of uncertainty that comes with post-grad life...

But I guess in a weird way, that IS preparation for life. Life is uncertain. Life is constantly changing, and you can never be sure of anything except change. I did not plan to be the college graduate who took a year off after graduation to decide what my next step in life would be, but here I am. No, I'm not traveling the world and finding myself in hopes of discovering a new journey. I'm in the same place with the same job and the same people, and my prayer is that God meets me here. I pray that He meets me right where I'm at and He begins directing my steps. Clearly my plans make God laugh because every time I plan anything, He changes it around. My dream college, my dream wedding date, my dream career path... God changed it all - and every single bit of it turned out for the better. He didn't fail me in all those times, and I know He won't fail me now. We are all truly but a mist in this world, here today and gone tomorrow. So my goal for this stage of life is to proclaim this every day: "If it is the LORD'S will, I will live and do this or that" (James 4:15). His plans are great and perfect and everything I need! So for those of you readers who kindly wonder about what I'm doing with my life, meet me in the place I'm in and pray God's will over my life. Pray for me as a soon-to-be college graduate, as a soon-to-be wife, as a hopeful career woman, as a daughter, sister, friend, disciple. Pray that God prepares me for every stage I'm stepping into because I need His guidance to steady my ever-wandering heart. Pray for me to be placed exactly where God wants me to be to reach as many people for His kingdom and glory before He returns or calls me home. Pray for boldness and courage on my behalf - to say yes when God calls me wherever He calls me. I am grateful for the people who read my words and intercede in prayer on my behalf.  It is the most encouraging thing to know I am prayed for and loved.

Recently, I have been so drawn to the hymn "Come Thou Fount" because the lyrics speak straight to my heart. Please click on the picture below and give it a listen if you're not familiar with it. Good stuff!!!

"Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, O take a seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."

Next time, I'll be filling y'all in on Al's life happenings which are so exciting! We can't wait to see where these new opportunities take him!

Xoxo,

Morgan

What Are You Going to Do After Graduation?

This is a question that has been asked of me since my first semester of college. Why anyone would expect me to know what I'm doing after graduation when I just graduated high school is beyond me. However, the longer I have been a college student, the more frequently those eight words have been a topic of conversation. If you ask me, that is a HUGE question to answer. As a twenty-year old Junior, I have spent the majority of my college career thinking about after-graduation plans. Will I go to grad school? Will I get a job? Will I even make it to graduation at all?... (I kid, I kid). I have been constantly racking my brain to come up with the right answer to this daunting question. And when you're a COM major, the question is more like, "What can you even do with a degree in Communication Studies?" [Answer: Absolutely anything. Is that encouraging or overwhelming? I lean more toward the latter]. With all these questions about my future literally hanging over my head, the future can become less like a dream and more like a never-ending nightmare.

Recently, I was really thinking about the future and the path that my life is on, and, in one moment of clarity, I found the answer I had been looking for. All this time I was trying to come up with the answer that would be most pleasing to the ears of the asker. I didn't want anyone who was asking me about my future plans to hear the words "I have no clue" come out of my mouth. I didn't want to seem unprepared or unconcerned. I have always been the diligent worker and the careful planner (at least until college anyway), and I did not want to portray myself as anything less than what people knew to be true about me. What I didn't realize I was doing was that I was creating a version of myself that was not me at all. I was stuck between the fears of not knowing and not pleasing everyone. BUT, in my epiphanic moment, I broke free of those fears. And here is how:

I do not decide my future.

I have never been the one deciding my future.

I did not get where I am today out of my own merit and hard work.

I am not my own and will never be my own.

Those four statements hit me like a ton of bricks in a single moment. I have been so busy trying to decide what I am going to do with my life and my future that I have forgotten that it isn't my future to decide. Jeremiah chapter 10 says, "I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; It is not for man to direct his steps." And Galatians chapter 2 says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." My future is not my future at all; It is God's future. My life is not my life at all; It is God's life. God, in all His power, wonder, and majesty, created me with a unique purpose for my life. And He alone knows the plans that He has for me in order for that purpose to prevail. His plans are great, and I want nothing more and nothing less than the plans God has for me. After realizing this, I finally had a solid and confident answer to the ever-looming question of "What are you doing to do after graduation?" Before I share my answer with you, I want to share with you a few verses of encouragement (and a little of my insight into them).

Jeremiah 1:5 - "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." How awesome and humbling that God set me and you apart before we were even born!

Proverbs 16:3 - "Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established."

I read: "Commit your [essays, math homework, group projects, final exams, free time, study habits, relationships, friendships, mind, heart, soul, life] to the Lord, and your plans will be established." What if we all went into our work with that mindset? Our productivity would be astounding.

Proverbs 16:9 - "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

I don't know about you, but that is so freeing to me. I can plan, plan, plan all day long, but the Lord still determines my steps. His sovereignty is so great.

James 4:14-15 - "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

We are but a MIST! Here today and gone tomorrow. How much more should that make us want to fulfill the purpose God has for us in the little time we have here? The Lord's will be done.

Jeremiah 29:11 - "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

This is probably the most well-known verse about the Lord's plans for our lives, but how encouraging and comforting it is to know that the Lord's plans are to give me hope and a future.

Proverbs 19:21 - "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Again, we make so many plans in our hearts and minds that we stress and worry over, but the Lord's purpose for our lives will always prevail when we are seeking Him.

Ephesians 2:10 - "For we are God's masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

First of all, God's masterpiece?! If all I am known as for the rest of my life is God's masterpiece, then I will be the most content person on the planet. Secondly, God has prepared our work for us in advance. Why not trust in the work He calls us to do?

Colossians 3:23 - "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord, not for men... It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

This really hit home for me. I don't serve men. I serve Jesus Christ, and that should always be the heart behind my work.

Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

God is working all things together for my good. Constantly trusting in that.

Deuteronomy 14:2 - "For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. Out of all the peoples on the face of the earth, the Lord has chosen you to be his treasured people."
That last sentence brings me the most joy. The Lord has chosen US to be His treasured people. Why wouldn't we trust Him with our futures?

I know that is a lot of verses to take in, but if you really think about what the premise is behind all of them, you will find that they are all alluding to the same thing. God, our Father, the Creator of the universe, set us apart and made us His chosen ones before we were even born. He, in all His sovereignty, has a specific plan and purpose for each of our lives, and He will direct our steps along the way. If we trust in that plan, we will not fail because the victory has already been won for those who trust in the Lord.

So, when someone asks me the question, "What are you going to do after graduation?" my answer will be very simple: I am going to do whatever the Lord calls me to do. While I may not know exactly what that is yet, I can fully trust that He knows what it is and will bring me to it in His time and in His way. We think we have to have it all together all the time because of the way our society and culture has been set up. We think we have to graduate high school, go to college, get a good paying job, get married, have a family, work until we're 65, retire somewhere nice and tropical, and eventually die. But I am here to tell you, the Lord will direct your steps. His plan for you may not be to go to college. Or His plan may be for you to go to college but not necessarily find the best paying job. He might be planning for you to get married and have kids, or He might not be. However, I can assure you that whatever God has planned for you will be far greater than anything you could have planned for yourself. This is a lesson I have learned over the course of this year, and it is something that I am holding fast to in the coming years of transition in my life.

My future and my life are in the hands of the One who is working all things together for my good, so I have nothing to fear. The unknown can be a scary place, but nothing is unknown to God. And having confidence in God's abilities to make my life something beautiful for Him makes the future a not-so-scary place. My constant prayer is, "Your will be done, Lord." I am so thankful for God's sovereignty and grace. Truly, His will be done in my life because my life has never been my own. All I am for Your glory, Jesus.

Roaring Twenties!

Hey readers! As of last Saturday, I am officially two decades old! It is funny to think about life in those terms because when I started the last decade I was in, I was only a fifth grader. Now, I'm a sophomore in college, and time is flying by. I wanted to share with y'all some reasons why I am so excited for my twenties! While I'm going to write about some events I'm excited for in this season of my life, I am also so expectant of the things God is going to do in my life and my heart over the next ten years! 

Five Reasons Why I'm Stoked for My Twenties:

1) I will, Lord-willing, graduate from college at some point in my twenties.
            Graduating from college will be one of the biggest accomplishments of my young adult life, and to say I'm ready for it is an understatement. I have had senioritis since my junior year of high school, and it just transferred over to college. While I am enjoying my time here in college, I am looking forward to being a graduate. It will be the start of a very exciting (and semi-scary) season of my life. It'll be the first time in my life that I won't be in school, which will definitely be a change. It will also be the first time in my life that I have a "real job" (because according to my dad, babysitting is not a real job). I am looking forward to the start of that season because I know it has so much sweetness and excitement to bring.

2) I plan to get married in my twenties.
            Okay, for anyone who knows me, this is no surprise. I have been planning my wedding to Al Rising since the day we started dating (hey, when you know, you know). While I obviously don't know when our engagement and wedding will happen, I know that it will be at some point in the span of the next ten years, and I am more excited than words can express. I am a strong supporter of marrying young - who would have ever thought the phrase "marrying young" would refer to your early twenties? I am especially steadfast in this when it comes to Al and me because we want a big family, and I'm not trying to have babies when I'm forty. Marriage is such a beautiful representation of the way Jesus loves us, and I can't wait to have a marriage that reflects Him.

3) I will be seeking a career that is fulfilling and brings me joy in my twenties.
            The last part of that sentence is the most important to me. I am seeking a career that will truly bring my joy. I am hopeful that God will place me exactly where He wants me. I have learned, this year more than any other, that money is not everything. Yes, it is awesome to have and everyone desires to have enough to be comfortable. However, it is not everything. And while I would love a career that would bring in lots of dough to support my family, I realize that I may not find that career when I first get out of college. I may not find that career for several years after college. I just know who holds me in His hand, and I am going to be fully reliant on Him to provide for me in times of need and in times of plenty. I have no clue what I want to do as a career after I graduate, but I do know that I am looking for a job that will make me happy over a job that will make me bookoos of money, but leave me miserable. I just keep reminding myself of Proverbs 19:21. 

4) I hope to have my first few kids in my twenties.
            As I stated above, Al and I want a big family. Since we began talking about a family, the number of kids we want has continued to grow. We both just have a heart for children, and we can't wait to have some of our own. My twenties are an exciting time because, Lord-willing, I will become a mom. Anyone who knows me knows that my dream in life is to be a mom. As many of my friends continue to tell me, I have a very mothering nature. I pretty much mother everyone around me. I can't wait to apply that characteristic to my own kiddos one day. I am probably most excited about this event in my twenties because it is my dream.

5) I plan to travel A LOT in my twenties.
             I have always heard that the best time to travel is when you're young, and I could not agree more. Before I have any babies, I would love to travel to some of my top-pick places, including Spain, Greece, France, the UK, Ireland, Australia, etc. I would also love to travel to more places in the United States. While I want my kids to be well-versed in traveling, I want them to be old enough to remember what they see. Therefore, I will be seeing as many sights as I can see until my kids are old enough for me to take them to see it all.

Bonus Reason

6) I want to serve people passionately in my twenties.
             This year, I have been learning a lot about what it means to serve people. I have been looking deeply into how Jesus served people and what that looks like today. I want God to instill in me a passionate servant's heart, so that people will come to know Him through what He does in me. I hope in my twenties, with all these changes that are bound to occur, that I will always remember to put others before myself. Even during times of excitement and transition in my life, I pray that God will always allow me to see others' needs as a priority. I'm saying it here on this blog: My word for my twenties is service. I pray my life lives up to that word.
          
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These are all plans that I have for my twenties, but I know that God's plan and purpose for my life is so much greater! I can't wait to see what He has in store for me during these next ten years. I am trusting Him to lead me where He wants me. 

Thank you all for reading!

-Morgan