The beginning seems like the best place to start, and the beginning for us is actually before Wade was even conceived. Anyone who knows me well knows that being a mom has been a dream of mine my entire life. Sure, I thought about my wedding day and thought about the kind of careers I would have, but being a mom is something that I had literally dreamed about since I was old enough to hold baby dolls. Somewhere along the way though, I convinced myself that being a mom might not be in the cards for me. I didn't know if I would ever be healthy enough. I have struggled with my weight my whole life and had read so many statistics about women who were overweight struggling to get pregnant. I didn't know if Al and I would ever be stable enough or ready enough because our culture has influenced the concept of childbearing so much that you can't help but feel like you'll never be enough. So I put the idea in my head that getting pregnant would be an obstacle for us in marriage. It would be something we'd have to really work hard to achieve and even then, it might not be in the cards for us. These were all lies straight from the enemy, and I fell straight into that trap.
Of course when you get married, the first question people start asking after your honeymoon is when the babies are coming. It was no different in our case, except for the fact that we had been together for going on seven years by the time we got married. So everyone assumed babies were visible on the horizon. To that question, we always answered with a simple response, "We want whatever God has for us." I think we had good intentions when saying that and we really wanted to mean it, but those are heavy words my friends! Whatever God has for us? What if God's plan included 10 children? What if His plan meant no children? What if His plan wasn't our plan? Whatever He has for us was a bold declaration, and I don't think our hearts had quite caught up to our mouths in those early months of marriage. It wasn't until we sat down and had a real conversation about the future of our family that those words started to carry their weight.
At the end of September/beginning of October 2018, we began really talking about kids. Al and I had lots of heart-to-hearts about our desires, our fears, our expectations, etc. We both wanted to be parents, but those same lies kept creeping back into our heads every time we pictured our future. We finally had to look at each other and decide that we would truly put this in God's hands and be bold in our faith because God's plans are much better than our own. We decided around that time that we would be truthful in our response to the question of babies and be ready for whatever God had for us.
Now, it wouldn't be fair to leave you thinking that I walked away from that final conversation letting go of all control because, let's face it, I'm as human as they come. Even in declaring my faithfulness to God's plan, I was still thinking in the back of my head that it would probably take many, many months to get pregnant because I was *fill in the blank of all the negative thoughts about myself* and we really weren't ready to have a baby just yet. But you know... God knows all that and His plan will line up with mine (can anyone relate to being that much of a control freak?.... 🙈)
Around 2-3 weeks after this decision to be all in, while still thinking it would take months to get pregnant, we conceived our baby. I think I knew in my heart without really knowing that something felt different in me. This was on October 20th. I didn't tell Al that I felt different because I was still thinking in my head that there was no way on God's green earth that I would get pregnant not even a month after we had that conversation. So we continued on with our normal lives for the next two weeks.
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| Last picture together before I was pregnant! |
I was notified by my handy app that I was late on November 3rd. Even when I got that notification, I still wasn't convinced and told myself that I would not take a test until I was a week late because I was certain that I could not be pregnant so fast. I did tell Al I was late, but he felt the same way and said that if I hadn't started by the next Saturday that I should take a test. Wellll, here comes Control Freak Morgan again... I woke up around 5am on Tuesday, November 6th and could not go back to sleep. I somehow talked myself into taking a test because "It was definitely going to be negative." So I got up and took a test. I walked away from it and started putting away dishes and doing some general tidying until the few minutes were up and I walked back in the bathroom. When I looked down at the counter and saw that the test said pregnant, my mouth hit the floor... and then the rest of my body followed suit. I was in so much shock that I sat on the floor of my closet for a good 30 minutes trying to process.
No one really prepares you for everything you will feel when you get a positive pregnancy test. I didn't know whether to feel happy or scared or what. And it was 5 in the morning, so I sure couldn't wake my husband up and discuss because he is not a morning person. I walked into our guest bedroom and made of video of my initial thoughts once I was able get off the floor. I'm so glad I did that because I look back at it now and laugh at the genuine look of terror on my face. I stayed home from work that day and got everything together to tell Al, and when I told him, he had the same look of shock and terror. Clearly we were not prepared for what God actually had for us.
When I found out, I was only 4 weeks pregnant. We couldn't get in to see the doctor until I was 8 weeks pregnant, so those first few weeks were very surreal. I took another test that week, and I could see that they both clearly said pregnant, but those lies that had convinced me I wouldn't be able to get pregnant turned into lies that I wouldn't be able to have a healthy pregnancy. For four weeks, which eventually turned into eight weeks, I would not allow myself to get excited about being pregnant. I knew all about all the scary things that can happen in early pregnancy and refused to let my heart get attached to a baby that I didn't know if I would be able to carry healthily. Looking back now, it makes me so sad to know that I let the devil steal my joy in those early weeks. I let him plant seeds of doubt that my baby would be okay. I let him tell me that, because we weren't ready for a baby, I couldn't be excited about it. Every bit of joy I should've been having about this gift from God, I let the enemy replace it with fear and that is truly my biggest regret.
After we hit the 12 week mark, I noticed a small change in my feelings. I started to actually dream about what our future would look like and who our baby was going to be. While I was still crippled with fear that something was going to go wrong, I allowed myself to dream a little. I stayed that way for several more weeks until we found out that we were having a boy. Once this little human had a name, it was like God took the chains of fear that were binding my heart and broke them right off and since that day, I haven't looked back. My heart has grown a million sizes in love and I couldn't imagine feeling any differently. I wrote a post on Facebook a while back about my thoughts on having a boy, so I won't share those again, but I do have to say that now I can't fathom what our life would be like if we were having a girl. God has given us exactly what we need.
I have been documenting milestones in my notes app along the way, and I love looking back and seeing when major things were happening with him. I started feeling flutters around week 16, and then I felt his very first kicks on Super Bowl Sunday (he's a football fan already). A few days later, Al felt him kick for the first time and it was one of my very favorite moments ever. I started noticing his hiccups around week 29, and they are the cutest thing. He still gets them pretty frequently, and I won't be surprised if they continue once he's here. The best milestone was when he started to follow Al's voice around week 34. If Al is talking to him or has his hand on my belly, Wade automatically knows and responds. He is going to adore his daddy, and I can't wait to see them together. This whole experience has made Al and I so much closer, and that's exactly how I know I married the right person. He has been my everything while I've been pregnant, and I will never be able to repay him for all the food he has gone to get me or all the baths he has ran for me or for every single night that he comes in and makes sure all my pillows are placed exactly right. He is a good man and a good husband, and he is going to be the best daddy ever.
My pregnancy story with Wade is truly just my testimony of how good God is. I have had what many of the people in my life have deemed as the "perfect pregnancy" ....no real morning sickness, hardly any weight gain, amazing skin and hair, no true aversions, no swelling, no scary pregnancy issues, etc. The only issue I really had my entire pregnancy was tiredness, but thankfully people don't judge pregnant women for sleeping all the time. Growing a baby is hard work! Even now as we're facing a possible c-section because our sweet boy is breech, I have clearly seen the Lord working on my heart. He has seen me through this every step of the way, and I know it's because this was His plan. Every piece of it has been a part of the puzzle that He is designing, and I am honored that He has chosen us to be the parents of this perfect child of His. He has been so good and so faithful to us, even when we've been fearful and uncertain. Wade isn't going to be a part of this world because of anything we had planned. He is truly a masterpiece of his Creator, and we are so excited to see what God has in store for his life. I am thankful that God chose to give me an easy first pregnancy. While everything might not be going as planned right now, it's just a testament to the idea that life always comes full circle. We didn't plan for a baby in this timing, yet God knew we were ready. We didn't plan to have anything other than a natural birth, but if that's what happens then God knew what was best. After this whole experience, how could I not trust in His plans? He is so good.
I have loved every single second of being pregnant and wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I know a lot of moms at almost 38 weeks are like "Get this baby out of me, I am so done!" but I truly don't feel that way. I am still not quite ready to share my sweet boy with the world. There is something so special about it just being him and me. No one knows him like I do, and while he obviously won't remember it, no one has ever been so close to my heart like he is. In a few weeks, he is going to come out here and I'm going to have to share him with all these people who love him and are so excited to meet him, and I know when those moments come I will be excited too. But for now, I don't want to rush or wish away any of the time of him just being mine. I am soaking in every last kick and turn and hiccup before he makes his debut because I know time is fleeting. I have never loved someone more, and I am so thankful God made me his mama.
If you have made it to the end of this post, kudos to you. I know it was long, but I have been pregnant for like a trillion years and I had a lot to say. If you didn't gather anything else about my pregnancy, I hope you have seen the goodness of God. I am still in awe when I think about what He has done in my life over the last nine months, and I am so excited to see what He has in store for my family's future with our sweet son. Wade is already so loved by his mama and daddy, but I know the love God has for him is exponentially more, and my only goal in parenting is to point him back to his Father.
Stayed tuned in a few weeks for my birth story that God is still writing. We are eager to see what God has planned for us in that moment and know that it is better than anything we can imagine! Thanks for reading!
Xoxo,
Morgan
