A Letter to my Baby Before I Hold You in my Arms

My sweet Wade Davis,

My mama heart is bursting with so many emotions as the days until I meet you are dwindling down. I have carried you in my belly for the past nine months, feeling every movement and taking in the miracle that is you. I can hardly believe that it is almost time for me to finally carry you in my arms. There are so many things I am imagining about our relationship once you are here, but tonight I want you to know how I feel before I hold you in my arms.

I spend most of my time wondering who you will be. I know God is knitting you together in such a fearful and wonderful way. I feel so strongly that the plans He has for your life are greater than anything I can imagine right now, and I feel so grateful that He has chosen me to love you and guide you towards those plans. I  have no doubt you will live up to your middle name, which means beloved. You are already such a beloved part of our little family, and I know the more you grow and the more people you meet, you will become a beloved part of this world. I can't wait to see the paths you take and the marks you leave.

I am so excited for the journey we are about to start together. I can't wait to see your face and hear you cry for the very first time. I know I will never want to put you down and plan to snuggle you forever. So many people have told me about the love between boys and their mamas, and I know we will be no different.  I have loved every second of the last nine months, but I know what is about to come will be a joy that can't compare.

This is the week our lives change forever. As you enter into this big place where you’ve never been, know that I am also entering into a place where I have never been – the sacred place of motherhood. We both will probably feel a little out of place for a while, but I know we will both find comfort in being together in our new unknowns. Whatever comes in our new roles as mama and baby, always know that I am here for you as we both grow and change. I am so certain that I was born to be your mama.

I am more ready than ever to see you face-to-face. Thank you for being so good to me these last nine months. You have made pregnancy my favorite stage of my life, and I have loved being the safe place you call home. Thankfully I still get to be your safe place, and I promise to always be that for you in every stage of your life. You will always be safe, never be alone, and forever be loved, my sweet baby.

I can’t wait to read this letter to you when you are old enough to understand. Until then, I will remind you every day that there is no one on Earth who loves you as much as I do. I’m waiting with the sweetest anticipation for your birthday, which will be the greatest day of my life. Though you will be living on the outside of my body, you will always be a part of me. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.

Love always,
Your Mama

My Pregnancy with Wade Davis

I knew that I would eventually get around to writing about my pregnancy experience; I just didn't realize it would be two weeks before my due date. I think that speaks a lot to pregnancy itself - you either don't have the time or don't have the energy. Today, I have both (PRAISE) and there is no time like the present, especially with this sweet boy expected to make his appearance any time now!

The beginning seems like the best place to start, and the beginning for us is actually before Wade was even conceived. Anyone who knows me well knows that being a mom has been a dream of mine my entire life. Sure, I thought about my wedding day and thought about the kind of careers I would have, but being a mom is something that I had literally dreamed about since I was old enough to hold baby dolls. Somewhere along the way though, I convinced myself that being a mom might not be in the cards for me. I didn't know if I would ever be healthy enough. I have struggled with my weight my whole life and had read so many statistics about women who were overweight struggling to get pregnant. I didn't know if Al and I would ever be stable enough or ready enough because our culture has influenced the concept of childbearing so much that you can't help but feel like you'll never be enough. So I put the idea in my head that getting pregnant would be an obstacle for us in marriage. It would be something we'd have to really work hard to achieve and even then, it might not be in the cards for us. These were all lies straight from the enemy, and I fell straight into that trap.

Of course when you get married, the first question people start asking after your honeymoon is when the babies are coming. It was no different in our case, except for the fact that we had been together for going on seven years by the time we got married. So everyone assumed babies were visible on the horizon. To that question, we always answered with a simple response, "We want whatever God has for us." I think we had good intentions when saying that and we really wanted to mean it, but those are heavy words my friends! Whatever God has for us? What if God's plan included 10 children? What if His plan meant no children? What if His plan wasn't our plan? Whatever He has for us was a bold declaration, and I don't think our hearts had quite caught up to our mouths in those early months of marriage. It wasn't until we sat down and had a real conversation about the future of our family that those words started to carry their weight.

At the end of September/beginning of October 2018, we began really talking about kids. Al and I had lots of heart-to-hearts about our desires, our fears, our expectations, etc. We both wanted to be parents, but those same lies kept creeping back into our heads every time we pictured our future. We finally had to look at each other and decide that we would truly put this in God's hands and be bold in our faith because God's plans are much better than our own. We decided around that time that we would be truthful in our response to the question of babies and be ready for whatever God had for us.

Now, it wouldn't be fair to leave you thinking that I walked away from that final conversation letting go of all control because, let's face it, I'm as human as they come. Even in declaring my faithfulness to God's plan, I was still thinking in the back of my head that it would probably take many, many months to get pregnant because I was *fill in the blank of all the negative thoughts about myself* and we really weren't ready to have a baby just yet. But you know... God knows all that and His plan will line up with mine (can anyone relate to being that much of a control freak?.... 🙈)

Around 2-3 weeks after this decision to be all in, while still thinking it would take months to get pregnant, we conceived our baby. I think I knew in my heart without really knowing that something felt different in me. This was on October 20th. I didn't tell Al that I felt different because I was still thinking in my head that there was no way on God's green earth that I would get pregnant not even a month after we had that conversation. So we continued on with our normal lives for the next two weeks.

Last picture together before I was pregnant!

I was notified by my handy app that I was late on November 3rd. Even when I got that notification, I still wasn't convinced and told myself that I would not take a test until I was a week late because I was certain that I could not be pregnant so fast. I did tell Al I was late, but he felt the same way and said that if I hadn't started by the next Saturday that I should take a test. Wellll, here comes Control Freak Morgan again... I woke up around 5am on Tuesday, November 6th and could not go back to sleep. I somehow talked myself into taking a test because "It was definitely going to be negative." So I got up and took a test. I walked away from it and started putting away dishes and doing some general tidying until the few minutes were up and I walked back in the bathroom. When I looked down at the counter and saw that the test said pregnant, my mouth hit the floor... and then the rest of my body followed suit. I was in so much shock that I sat on the floor of my closet for a good 30 minutes trying to process.

No one really prepares you for everything you will feel when you get a positive pregnancy test. I didn't know whether to feel happy or scared or what. And it was 5 in the morning, so I sure couldn't wake my husband up and discuss because he is not a morning person. I walked into our guest bedroom and made of video of my initial thoughts once I was able get off the floor. I'm so glad I did that because I look back at it now and laugh at the genuine look of terror on my face. I stayed home from work that day and got everything together to tell Al, and when I told him, he had the same look of shock and terror. Clearly we were not prepared for what God actually had for us.

When I found out, I was only 4 weeks pregnant. We couldn't get in to see the doctor until I was 8 weeks pregnant, so those first few weeks were very surreal. I took another test that week, and I could see that they both clearly said pregnant, but those lies that had convinced me I wouldn't be able to get pregnant turned into lies that I wouldn't be able to have a healthy pregnancy. For four weeks, which eventually turned into eight weeks, I would not allow myself to get excited about being pregnant. I knew all about all the scary things that can happen in early pregnancy and refused to let my heart get attached to a baby that I didn't know if I would be able to carry healthily. Looking back now, it makes me so sad to know that I let the devil steal my joy in those early weeks. I let him plant seeds of doubt that my baby would be okay. I let him tell me that, because we weren't ready for a baby, I couldn't be excited about it. Every bit of joy I should've been having about this gift from God, I let the enemy replace it with fear and that is truly my biggest regret.

After we hit the 12 week mark, I noticed a small change in my feelings. I started to actually dream about what our future would look like and who our baby was going to be. While I was still crippled with fear that something was going to go wrong, I allowed myself to dream a little. I stayed that way for several more weeks until we found out that we were having a boy. Once this little human had a name, it was like God took the chains of fear that were binding my heart and broke them right off and since that day, I haven't looked back. My heart has grown a million sizes in love and I couldn't imagine feeling any differently. I wrote a post on Facebook a while back about my thoughts on having a boy, so I won't share those again, but I do have to say that now I can't fathom what our life would be like if we were having a girl. God has given us exactly what we need.

I have been documenting milestones in my notes app along the way, and I love looking back and seeing when major things were happening with him. I started feeling flutters around week 16, and then I felt his very first kicks on Super Bowl Sunday (he's a football fan already). A few days later, Al felt him kick for the first time and it was one of my very favorite moments ever. I started noticing his hiccups around week 29, and they are the cutest thing. He still gets them pretty frequently, and I won't be surprised if they continue once he's here. The best milestone was when he started to follow Al's voice around week 34. If Al is talking to him or has his hand on my belly, Wade automatically knows and responds. He is going to adore his daddy, and I can't wait to see them together. This whole experience has made Al and I so much closer, and that's exactly how I know I married the right person. He has been my everything while I've been pregnant, and I will never be able to repay him for all the food he has gone to get me or all the baths he has ran for me or for every single night that he comes in and makes sure all my pillows are placed exactly right. He is a good man and a good husband, and  he is going to be the best daddy ever.

My pregnancy story with Wade is truly just my testimony of how good God is. I have had what many of the people in my life have deemed as the "perfect pregnancy" ....no real morning sickness, hardly any weight gain, amazing skin and hair, no true aversions, no swelling, no scary pregnancy issues, etc. The only issue I really had my entire pregnancy was tiredness, but thankfully people don't judge pregnant women for sleeping all the time. Growing a baby is hard work! Even now as we're facing a possible c-section because our sweet boy is breech, I have clearly seen the Lord working on my heart. He has seen me through this every step of the way, and I know it's because this was His plan. Every piece of it has been a part of the puzzle that He is designing, and I am honored that He has chosen us to be the parents of this perfect child of His. He has been so good and so faithful to us, even when we've been fearful and uncertain. Wade isn't going to be a part of this world because of anything we had planned. He is truly a masterpiece of his Creator, and we are so excited to see what God has in store for his life. I am thankful that God chose to give me an easy first pregnancy. While everything might not be going as planned right now, it's just a testament to the idea that life always comes full circle. We didn't plan for a baby in this timing, yet God knew we were ready. We didn't plan to have anything other than a natural birth, but if that's what happens then God knew what was best. After this whole experience, how could I not trust in His plans? He is so good.

I have loved every single second of being pregnant and wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I know a lot of moms at almost 38 weeks are like "Get this baby out of me, I am so done!" but I truly don't feel that way. I am still not quite ready to share my sweet boy with the world. There is something so special about it just being him and me. No one knows him like I do, and while he obviously won't remember it, no one has ever been so close to my heart like he is. In a few weeks, he is going to come out here and I'm going to have to share him with all these people who love him and are so excited to meet him, and I know when those moments come I will be excited too. But for now, I don't want to rush or wish away any of the time of him just being mine. I am soaking in every last kick and turn and hiccup before he makes his debut because I know time is fleeting. I have never loved someone more, and I am so thankful God made me his mama.

If you have made it to the end of this post, kudos to you. I know it was long, but I have been pregnant for like a trillion years and I had a lot to say. If you didn't gather anything else about my pregnancy, I hope you have seen the goodness of God. I am still in awe when I think about what He has done in my life over the last nine months, and I am so excited to see what He has in store for my family's future with our sweet son. Wade is already so loved by his mama and daddy, but I know the love God has for him is exponentially more, and my only goal in parenting is to point him back to his Father.

Stayed tuned in a few weeks for my birth story that God is still writing. We are eager to see what God has planned for us in that moment and know that it is better than anything we can imagine! Thanks for reading!

Xoxo,
Morgan

Ring Around the Risings: Reception

Last but certainly not least... welcome to our reception!

When we arrived at our reception, all of our wedding party was outside lining up for our entrances. We actually made great time with all the pictures at the church, so we were able to take a breather for a few minutes before entering. It was a little chilly since the sun had set at this point, but we were all pretty much huddled together while we waited. My Uncle (also our DJ) came out and spoke to us and apologized in advance if he said any names wrong haha! Then the music began to play -- "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston -- and we all entered. Al's parents went first, followed by my parents, and then the rest of our wedding party after them. When Al and I entered, everyone stood and clapped, and it was so fun seeing the happy faces of all the people we love.

Once we got in and everyone sat, we started the first dances. Al and I danced to a song we found way before we ever got engaged and we both knew it would be our first dance. It's called "I Get To Love You" by Ruelle. In that moment, it felt like we were alone in that room soaking up every moment of our best day ever. We laughed and cried, and it was something we both will remember as long as we live.

Next up was my dance with my daddy. I had to really prepare myself for this dance because I am a daddy's girl through and through. We danced to "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw, and my favorite part of our dance was when my dad leaned down and whispered, "You'll always be my little girl you know." Cue all the tears from both of us. I am so thankful to have shared that danced with him.

Lastly was Al's dance with his mom. Al and I struggled to find the perfect song for him and his mom to dance to. All the mother/son dance songs were either country or R&B, and neither of those options really fit their relationship. I was on YouTube one day and came across a beautiful song, sung by someone whose voice was not exactly what I imagined when I pictured Al and his mom dancing to it. I showed it to Al, and he really wanted that to be the song, but he didn't love the person's voice either. So, we called our friend Victoria to see if she could record her own version of this song for us. She did, and it turned out so beautifully. I obviously don't know what the conversation was like between Al and his mom in that moment, but the pictures of the two of them dancing are really sweet, so I know it was a special time shared for both of them.

Once the dances were over, everyone took their seats, and my sister gave a welcome speech for my parents (because they aren't much for speeches), and then our brother Khyne blessed the food. Then we all ate, and Al and I are so thankful we got to take the time to visit with each of the people who came to celebrate with us.

Towards the end of dinner, our best man, matron, and maid of honors gave their speeches. We loved listening to the stories and words they each had to share. There were lots of laughs and a few tears on our part, but we got some really good advice on marriage from three people who we love to pieces, and we are so thankful Al's dad and both my sisters were the people who stood by our sides on our big day.

Once all the formalities of the evening were complete, the real fun began! To open up the dance floor, our DJ played a fun game. He invited all married couples to the dance floor and played "Through the Years" by Journey. After about half a minute of dancing, he would come on the microphone and say "If you've been married so many years or less, please sit down." Al and I got to stay on the dance floor surrounded by all these married couples. This went on until the only people left of the dance floor were Al and me, both sets of our parents, and Al's aunt and uncle. Our parents have been married the same amount of time - Al's parents got married in November 1990 and my parents got married in March 1991. So when my uncle said, "If you've been married less than 30 years, please sit down," it left us with Al's aunt and uncle. I can't remember exactly how many years they've been married, but I think it's almost 40. They got to share some sage marriage advice with us, advice we've carried with us each day we've been married. It was such a fun way to open up the dance floor!

Then our crazy, fun-loving friends joined us on the dance floor, and we danced. And danced. And danced some more. I'm pretty sure we didn't stop dancing all night. There are so many fun memories, but I think the pictures absolutely do the fun justice, so I will just share those.

We did the bouquet and garter tosses toward the end of the night. Fun fact: My sister had caught every single bouquet at the last six weddings she had been to, so I had a feeling she wasn't letting this one go. "Single Ladies" came on, and the girls got in formation. When I tossed the bouquet back, chaos ensued, and all I could see was my friend Brittany on the floor with my sister standing over her and my cousin Rilee in the corner holding her face. Kayla stood up, bouquet in hand, only to find she busted Rilee's lip on the way down to catch it. I expected nothing less from her, so I'm not surprised any of it happened, but it's still hilarious. Al did the garter toss to "Hot in Herre" by Nelly, and his groomsman Chip caught it. Apparently Chip has also caught a lot of garters, so it was perfect that they both were the ones to catch ours.

We did our cake cutting at some point, which was really just for tradition because we had pie instead of cake. And after that, we danced with our friends a little more as the night was coming to an end. My uncle made an announcement that it was time for our last dance and our sparkler exit. We danced our last dance to "Perfect" by Ed Sheeran (which is our actual song), and we had a few people who stayed back to watch us. I seriously couldn't have imagined a more perfect day and that's what we talked about during our last dance as we sang and swayed.

Once it was over, we went out to do our sparkler exit. Amber told us to do a dip, which she had helped us practice beforehand. We did it and then we did it again for good measure! As all our favorite people cheered for us, we found our parents and hugged and thanked them for everything. Then we drove off to our new married life!

There will never be enough words to share how much we loved every minute of our engagement season and wedding day! We felt incredibly loved and supported, and we cherish the memories we have of those times. We know there will never be another time that almost all the people we love will be in the same room together, and we couldn't have asked for more. I hope you enjoyed reading about our reception and our wedding day overall! It's a day we would relive over and over if we could! Now we're on to the next adventure -- the first year of marriage!